To Gain, To Feel, To Miss, To Hurt, To Wonder

Have you ever missed someone so much that it hurts?

So much that every day is a recurring struggle to find the acceptable equilibrium between falling back into a memory and removing yourself enough to function in the present. So much that thinking about them becomes addictive, and part of you wants to wean yourself off of the image of them that you have in your mind, but the other part of you is too afraid that going a day without thinking about them would somehow make them fade into oblivion - forgetting the curves of their face, the sound of their voice in a room, or the taste of their lips on your tongue. So much that you find yourself staring out the windows of planes and trains and boats and buses, wondering where in the world they are at this very moment. So much that, as frustrated as you are at them for not being there for you when you needed them, you’d still do anything just to hear their voice. So much that everything falls into perspective, and the small things that used to matter suddenly seem so insignificant.  So much that you know you’d fly halfway around the world to have five more minutes with them, if you knew they’d be there for you when you got off the plane. So much that no matter where in the world you run to so that you can try to get them out of your head to finally regain your focus, it’s never far enough, because they’re always with you.  So much that you can’t fathom what it might be like if you never saw them again, as you can no longer imagine a forever without them in it.  So much that you wonder if they think about you as much as you think about them, or if you’ve become as insignificant as last month’s spot price on crude oil.  So much that no matter whom else comes into and out of your life, the inexplicable pull you feel towards them makes you sure that they’re your person.  So much that your attempts to replace them are laughable at best, a PR fiasco at worst.  So much that you think you’re finally getting somewhere, feeling new butterflies for someone else, and then something always brings you back to them.  So much that you just need to know that they’re okay, that they’re safe, alive and breathing.  So much that you shamelessly look at their Facebook page so many times per day that you might as well make it your screensaver.  So much that every time you reach a new milestone, all you want to do is tell them – and then you reach to pick up your phone, only to remember that they’re no longer there for you.  So much that looking at a picture of them is enough for you to crack a smile.  So much that you begin to wonder if there will be another next time, another smile, another memory, or if the last time that you saw them will be the very last.  So much that every memory you have with them suddenly becomes clearer than ever, and you wonder how it’s possible for your mind to drift back to the same moment so many times per day.  So much that you freeze-frame certain moments and run them back again – thinking about what it might feel like to have them there by your side.  So much that you feel like you’re treading water, kicking your legs, moving up the ladder of life, but somehow you’re not going anywhere, trying to hold on to moments passed.  So much that you build such a body armor, waking up each day putting on a good face, when part of you feels entirely lost without them.  So much that you find yourself constantly stuck in a predicament, knowing you shouldn’t wish even one day of your life away, but wondering if today might be the day when the wondering and the waiting and the treading water finally stops. So much that you miss all the things that you used to take for granted.  So much that you didn’t realize how well they understood you until you suddenly had to try to start understanding yourself all on your own.  So much that you’re mentally caught between your own selfishness, consumed by want and need, and your selflessness, consumed by the want for them to do whatever makes them happy.  So much that caring about another human being takes on a new meaning when you suddenly have to do it from afar.  So much that you feel the need to say goodnight to them even when they’re not there, wondering what it might be like if they were.  So much that you try as hard as you can to make sure that they’re the last thing you think about before you fall asleep, in hope that maybe they’ll find their way into your dreams.  So much that every day starts out with a ray of hope, but ends with a smidgen of disappointment.  So much that you hate how much mental energy they consume, but deep down you know you wouldn’t have it any other way.  So much that the gaping hole they’ve left in your life is too large and too personalized to be filled by any other human being, so you’re forced to find a way to fill it in yourself.  So much that somehow having them so prominently on your mind reminds you how much they’ve shaped you as a person, how much they’ll forever be a part of you. So much that you give it everything you’ve got every single day to be the best possible version of yourself that you can be – because even though they’re not physically present, the thought of them inspires you to keep dreaming big.  So much that you keep trying to let go, to push your feelings aside, but something in your gut tells you not just yet.

So much that your body hurts, your heart aches, your mind wanders.

I have, I do.

Don't Be a Broken Man

12. That’s about how many hours I spent in the testing center before I could scrape together a Princeton-worthy SAT score.  7200.  That’s about how many hours I spent training in the gym before I could land a double back on the floor.  30. Thirty seconds. That’s all the time it took for me to know that he was the one who would change my life forever.

No excuses, no distractions. My life consisted of five things: school, gym, coffee, work, and on special occasions, a few hours of shut eye. For the first two decades of my life, I was under the impression that if I let anyone get too close to me or let my guard down for even an instant, I would lose control.  At that point, I might as well throw up my hands and surrender because I would lose everything I had worked for. And for what, for a man who might be a nice accessory to have on my arm at the ballet, or even worse – a man who would actually expect me to give him my time and attention?  As appealing as that sounds, I would rather not. That is what my list of plus-ones is for.

For as long as I can remember, I have always put my personal success first, and for me that consisted of an Ivy League education, a high social standing, an overflowing bank account, a flashy job, and the power to change the world. I knew what I wanted and I was not about to let any man stand in the way of making my mark on the world.  But when I met the man at the coffee shop, I knew that I had been doing it all wrong. He wasn’t on the cover of GQ, and he didn’t take me out on a multi-million dollar yacht to pop some bubbly on a Friday night. He was actually quite the opposite. His hair needed styling, and his suit wasn’t properly fitted. He was socially awkward and stumbled to find the right words, as a deep shade of pink started to cover his cheeks.  But when I looked into his eyes, I saw something that I had never seen before – I saw a real man.  I saw a man who was more focused on what was inside my head than what was on my back, a man who was broken and flawed, with a glimmer of hope in his eyes. He was imperfectly perfect, and I wanted more.

As we spent more and more time together, this man changed the way that I saw the world. He made me realize that letting someone into your life doesn’t mean you have to veer off path; it means that they become a part of your journey.  I had gone through handfuls of men in my life, and this was the first time that I felt a true intellectual connection. It was as if we were instantly on the same brain wave, and before we knew it, we were collaborating on ideas and helping each other to improve ourselves in every way.  Rather than detracting from my productivity and pulling me away from my life plan, we helped each other grow both personally and professionally.  It was as if I found my other half - and knowing what this felt like, it became crystal clear to me that two heads were better than one. 

I have this vision for what I want my life to look like – next week, next year, five years from now, ten years from now, and in the distant future. There are so many things that I want to accomplish, all jumbled together in this convoluted brain of mine.  Just as with anything in life, there are various different approaches that we can take in order to get what we want. Until a few years ago, I thought that trying to segment my life into different stages would set me up for the greatest possibility of success. If I wanted to start both a successful company and a loving family by the time that I was thirty, I used to believe that it would be most efficient if I was to focus one hundred percent of my energy on work until I accomplished the majority of that goal, and once I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I could move on to developing the more personal aspects of my life.  

The problem with this mentality is that when you try to live your life in stages, you develop yourself unevenly and leave parts of yourself behind.  If you have a set of goals that span across different aspects of your life that you want to accomplish by the time you are a certain age, you need to invest in horizontal rather than vertical self-development.  In order to become the strongest possible version of yourself, you need to move each of your goals forward every single day. If you focus on bettering yourself in one aspect of your life while leaving the others untouched, you will be a person that is not whole, but a person broken into pieces.  Every single day, you show the world the person that you are; every aspect of yourself is exposed, and you continue to grow based upon your overall level of self-development.  You are only as strong as the weakest part of yourself. If you leave your personal life in the dust and focus singularly on career development, your personal development will fall behind and you will not be armed with the tools necessary to embrace the challenges that come along with high-levels of professional development.  You cannot expect to be successful in multiple aspects of your life if you do not invest in all segments of personal and professional development.

Where do you want to be by the time you are 30? By the time you are 40? What type of relationship do you want to have? What type of career do you want? Where do you want to live? What do you want to invest your free time in? What will make you feel fulfilled at this stage in your life?  Start with where you want to be at a certain benchmark in your life, and work backwards. If you want to be living in a different country, on a different career path, and married by the time you are 30, you cannot keep drudging along in the wrong industry, with a partner that you know you’re not committed to, and a blurry vision of your future, and still expect to accomplish your life goals.  You need to be honest with yourself, and be realistic about what you can accomplish within a certain time frame.  If you focus your full energy on career development until you are twenty eight, and intend to achieve the goals mentioned above by the time you are thirty, you cannot expect to suddenly pick up your life, move to a new country, and magically land upon the partner of your dreams all in the remaining two years.  While I am a big believer in serendipity, I am also realistic.  It is simply not feasible to spend eight years on work alone, while you keep pushing off every other aspect of your life, and expect to clump everything else into a two-year time frame.  Personal development, even more than professional development, has a habit of being unpredictable.  You never know how long it will take you to find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, or the perfect town to raise your kids in.  So if you have these types of goals, you need to be progressing in those categories as much as you are progressing in your career development.

Opening yourself up to personal development does not mean that you are going to be pulled away from your career goals.  If you find the right person to build yourself with, you can grow together and help each other to reach your personal goals that much faster. Instead of slowing you down, finding a life partner that you have a strong intellectual connection with allows you to better yourself in all aspects of your life; not only are you working towards the family that you want to build, but you are also forming an intellectual connection and partnership that will allow you to accelerate your career development as well.  So take a step back, and look at what you really want. Don’t let the day-to-day chaos take you away from pursuing your life goals, whatever they may be.  Make sure that every single day, you are taking actionable steps to move forward in every direction.  As a result, you won’t be a person broken into many pieces, but rather a well-rounded, fully developed individual ready to take on the world.