How to Use Body Language to Raise Your Status

Acting, much like ordinary life, is largely a game of status. Actors often start playing a scene at a particular status level based on their character’s given circumstances; yet, they can utilize their body language to raise or lower their status as the scene progresses. The fact that an actor may inherently be playing a lower status character does not limit the actor from trying to raise the status of his character throughout the arc of a show. These shifts in status and inherent contradictions that we try to reconcile as audience members largely contribute to what makes a show interesting and holds our attention.  

Just as actors can utilize body language to convey shifts in status on stage, we too can manipulate our body language in order to raise our status in everyday settings. While you are interacting with friends at a dinner party or conversing with fellow colleagues around a boardroom table, status is constantly at play. The way that people express themselves both within and in relation to one another helps to establish the status levels of the various actors in the scenes that we encounter in our everyday lives. How can we differentiate high from low status players through simply examining the way in which people exert themselves? How can we shift our own body language to raise our status in situations where it might be appropriate to do so?

If you want to raise your status, try using the following tactics to shape your body language accordingly:

1. Keep your body physically open. You are ready to embrace whatever life throws at you, and you are comfortable in your own skin. You never contract your body, nor does it ever occur to you that you could possibly be taking up too much space.

2. Command space and time. You are in control of yourself and your surroundings, and you don’t move on behalf of anyone but yourself. You don’t move fast, nor do you move excessively slowly. You move steadily. You beat to your own drum. This ability to maintain control over your position in space and time is your greatest power. You never let anyone take this power away from you.

3. Maintain a steady energy. You display an absence of insecurity. There is a laid back sensibility about you, and you are seemingly indifferent and unworried. When you walk, your steps are steady and evenly paced. You walk in a straight line (effortlessly, of course).

4. Be still. When you speak to someone, you don’t move your head or neck in space. You are aiming for ultimate stillness. You don’t play with your hair when you are speaking, nor do you fidget in any way, shape, or form.

5. Execute effortlessly. For you, everything is effortless. You accomplish great things, but they come easily to you. You already have high status, so there’s no need to work for it.

6. Flow into other people’s space. You are expansive. You allow your energy and your body to expand into the universe. You are not afraid to occupy a significant amount of space or to flow into the space of others.

7. Don’t initiate staring. You rarely initiate staring at people, but if you catch someone who happens to be staring at you, you don’t look away.

8. Send your energy slightly past people. You exert a casual nonchalance when speaking. When you interact with someone, you are seemingly looking at them but yet so subtly sending your energy slightly past them.

9. Be non-reactive. You don’t change your behavior simply on behalf of others. You don’t get up and leave the dinner table simply because two people in front of you got up and left the table. You are not phased or rattled by the actions of those around you. You are definitely not compliant towards your peers. You are simply indifferent towards them.

10. Be conscious of your bubble, but let it pop. You have a significant bubble of personal space consciously surrounding you at all times. This helps you to maintain your center and always remain in control of your own movement through space and time. Yet, if a situation calls for it, you are not afraid to pop your bubble through initiating or being receptive to physical contact.

When executed well, the body language exhibited in the steps above can help you to raise your status in ordinary social settings. Like many things in acting, your status is not only derived from how you act within yourself, but also how you react when others try to flow into your space. While the exhibition of high status behavior is often associated with positive attributes such as confidence and power, it is important to acknowledge that playing a ‘high status’ role is not appropriate in every social setting. Through understanding how your body language shapes the type of energy that you project, you can selectively choose the appropriate status level that you hope to exhibit and alter your physicality accordingly.

Six Lessons We Can Learn from Gatsby

“Let us learn to show our friendship for a man when he is alive and not after he is dead.” 

All too often we are so consumed by the way people see us, that we allow fear to prevent us from outwardly expressing the importance of people in our lives.  Given the brevity and unpredictability of life, we need to tell people what they mean to us when they are standing in front of us rather than only realizing a good thing when it’s gone.  We need to focus on building deep connections rather than simply keeping them to a surfaced level. 

“I like large parties. They’re so intimate. At small parties there isn’t any privacy.” 

There’s a certain excitement about slipping under the radar at large gatherings and abundant affairs – everyone is so tuned into playing a part in the scene around them, that it’s easy to go unnoticed.  In the midst of the many surfaced relationships that you are forced to maintain, slipping away to capture moments of intimacy with those we care deeply about is often irresistible.

“It is invariably saddening to look through new eyes at things upon which you have expended your own powers of adjustment.” 

When we leave our perceptions of people, experiences and memories to our imaginations, we allow ourselves to twist and tangle them in every which way.  But sometimes meeting new people or even the progression of time itself forces us to remove the fog that once clouded our vision, and allows us to see things for what they really are – and blatant reality is often more striking than we could have ever imagined.

“What was the use of doing great things if I could have a better time telling her what I was going to do?” 

Often we find ourselves posing the question: am I doing this for me, for the sake of enjoying the moment?  Or am I doing this for what will come out of everyone learning that I did it when today becomes tomorrow?  While there are some things that we feel the need to do simply for the sake of doing them, we are likely to feel more personal fulfillment if we spend the majority of our time focused on living a fulfilling life in the moment, rather than creating the illusion of fulfillment with the stories that we tell (be them real or imaginary).

“There must have been moments even that afternoon when Daisy tumbled short of his dreams - not through her own fault but because of the colossal vitality of his illusion.” 

Sometimes when we adore a person, we build them up in our own imaginations, so much so that even when we are entirely charmed by the person when they are finally standing in front of us, they may fall short of the pedestal that we’ve put them on in our own minds. While it is often impossible not to idolize people to a fault, it is sometimes healthy to remove ourselves just enough to present ourselves with a fair assessment of the situation.

“She thought I knew a lot because I knew different things from her.” 

Knowledge is framed by one’s perception of what one knows, and often is entirely subjective.  We find people intelligent when they know things that we don’t and when they have experienced different things than we have.  Everyone knows or has experienced something that we have not, so we can truly learn something from everyone; we can also appear to be knowledgeable to another simply by realizing how we can differentiate ourselves. 

The Importance of Fiction in Stimulating Creativity

I love a good biography or business book as much as the next person, but there is something about a captivating fiction novel that has my imagination running wild. Within only a few pages, the best fiction writers achieve the challenging feat of pulling us out of our own consuming worlds and into the one they’ve created for us.  Some may see reading fiction as a distraction, given it serves as a means of escape, pulling us into an alternate reality.  Yet, our craziest ideas and most innovative conceptualizations are often derived from the introduction of new stimuli, as we allow our minds to enter into worlds that are far different from our own.

Beyond serving as the vessel that allows us to go one level down, to temporarily free our minds of our daily distractions and responsibilities, here are three reasons that fiction novels can help to stimulate our creativity and make us more innovative and spontaneous individuals:

1.    Most of the best fiction writers do a significant amount of research before building the ‘world’ that their characters exist within. The main reason that I love Danielle Steel’s writing is that I gain a certain fictionalized exposure to industries that I previously knew little about.  Through gaining an understanding of how characters both survive and interact in these different micro-worlds, we increase our ability to interact with people in different industries and lifestyles in the real world.

2.    From cocktail parties, to small talk at conferences, to movie premieres and lifestyle events, we frequently find ourselves in situations that are out of our comfort zones; thus we are forced to stretch our imaginations to ‘improv’ our way through the scenario at hand.  Through reading a series of diversified fiction novels, it expands our imaginative bank of ideas, dialogue, and scenarios to help us to think on our feet and not only survive, but rather thrive in all types of situations.  Given it is nearly impossible to gain real-world exposure to the entirety of possible scenarios that we could potentially find ourselves in, reading fiction is a good way to prime our imaginations to think and act quickly based on things we’ve witnessed in literature.

3.    While many of us can only dream of spending Monday in Tuscany and Tuesday in Spain, the constraints of our everyday lives often limit us from pursuing our wildest dreams.  As one day spills over into the next, we often get so caught up in our realities, that we don’t give ourselves the opportunity to dream bigger or stretch our minds further than we have to; thus we are holding ourselves back from being our most creative selves. As much as I would love to constantly expose myself to new stimuli in the real world, it often becomes challenging to step outside of the walls that we constrain ourselves within.  Reading fiction is a great way to introduce ourselves to new stimuli – to live vicariously through the characters that we read about - fishing in Greece one moment and riding on an elephant in Thailand the next.

Though there are various benefits to reading non-fiction literature in order to become informed individuals and active contributors to the world that we live in, people often overlook the benefits of fiction-based literature in activating the parts of our minds that stimulate creativity and innovation.  So rather than sitting on the train blankly staring out the window, pick up a fiction book and immerse yourself in a world that is far different than your own.

Designing an Image

About midway through high school, I started watching a show called Gossip Girl. The show is supposed to be a snapshot into the world of high income, high status New York society, as the outsiders go to preposterous lengths to try to get in with the ‘it crowd.’ After watching the first two episodes, I became absolutely infatuated.  From the clothes, to the parties, to the lifestyle, I had never seen people or places quite so glamorous.  From that point onward, I knew what I wanted.  I wanted in. 

As I continued to watch the show season after season during my high school years, the idea of landing in that world felt entirely out of reach.  While I may have been able to dominate the halls of high school with the status I had naturally gained through my fairly public gymnastics career, this micro level of fame was no longer enough for me.  I had my sights set on something else, something bigger, and I was determined to do whatever it would take to get there.  While my friends were obsessing over their AP Scores and scoping out potential prom dates, I was setting the groundwork for the most difficult design challenge that I would ever embark on:  designing my way into a world that I so desperately wanted to be a part of.

The most challenging thing about this design challenge was that I couldn’t let anyone in on the secret.  Designing an image is different than any other design challenge, as you have to play both the role of the designer and the subject of your design.  It is an out-of-body experience.  While I wasn’t even sure that the world I was working towards really existed, I was desperate to discover the truth for myself.  If I could design a new life for myself through the image that I would create, then maybe, just maybe, I could find a way in.  As I set off on the design challenge of a lifetime, I knew that I was on my own.  If I was going to play my cards right and really have a shot at getting into this world, I knew that I couldn’t let anyone know what I was up to.

Designing an image is like creating a character within a play; if the audience sees you break character, they don’t buy in.  If I would have any chance of making this work, I knew that I would need buy-in from all parties, no exceptions.  The constraint of solidarity has been one of the greatest challenges that I’ve faced throughout this design journey.  The more I began to morph into the image I was creating, the further I drifted from the people in my life who knew the version of me that existed prior to designing my new image.  For quite some time, I felt entirely entrapped in my own head, caught in the middle of the image that I created and the powerless high school student still caught inside of me.

When I started watching Gossip Girl five years ago, I was a complete outsider peering into a world that I wasn’t even sure existed.  Five years later, this is the world that I have come to call my reality. It is the access pass that I wanted all along.  Everyone who remains on the outside sees my world as something as glamorous and intriguing as I saw the world of Gossip Girl in high school, and everyone on the inside has bought into the image I’ve designed.  What I failed to realize when I embarked on this design journey five years ago is that this world that I so badly wanted to be a part of is, in many ways, completely empty.  While it looks perfect from the outside, this world is somewhat surfaced – a sea of people going through the motions and drinking just enough champagne to keep the conversation flowing.  For all besides a few, this world is a game, and everyone on the inside is merely playing a part.  While the life that my image subsists in may be empty, it is really easy to trick yourself into making it feel fulfilling.  We have all built an image that can survive in this world, but just because your image can survive, it doesn’t mean that you can. 

Underneath all of the elaborate evening gowns and flutes of champagne is the version of my heart and mind that is still stuck in high school, walking around the halls with my head in a book and my hair in a ponytail as I quickly rushed to make it to Fed Challenge practice or AP Chem Lab. I became so consumed with building out the image that I needed to create in order to design the life that I wanted, that I have blurred the line between who I really am and who I show the world.  I often wonder if when I started designing my own image, there are certain parts of me that somehow did not come along for the journey; it’s as if my brain is still stuck in a former version of myself and my body is living and breathing in the world that I’ve designed my way into. 

When I looked in the mirror five years ago, I didn’t always like what I saw, but at least I knew that it was my own self who was staring back at me.  Now when I look in the mirror as I’m on my way to a charity gala or cocktail party, I feel like in many ways, I’m looking at a mere creation - a carefully crafted design that lives in the depths of the life I’ve created, while I’m left floundering somewhere behind.  Like I said, it’s truly an out-of-body experience. 

Every Ballroom Has a Backdoor

As we put away our sun hats and begin to shake the sand out of our shoes, the turning of the leaves can only mean one thing – the beginning of New York charity season.  When I was a little girl, charity used to mean volunteering at the soup kitchen for Girl Scouts or making holiday cards for the soldiers who weren’t able to spend the holidays with their families.  But as the years went by and I traded in my Girl Scout uniform for an evening gown, the word charity took on an entirely new meaning. 

As I walked into my first big charity gala a handful of years ago, I felt like I was walking into a storybook. I had never seen anything quite so glamorous before, and I couldn’t help but compare it to the shows and movies that I had seen on TV.  It was simultaneously petrifying and mesmerizing – and while I may have aesthetically melted into the sea of people painted in black and white, I might as well have been dressed like Malibu Barbie, because I stood out like a sore thumb. While I expected the event to draw an eclectic mix of people who were all interested in supporting the cause from different walks of life, instead I found that the majority of the evening’s partygoers could not have been more similar.  And in many instances, I was surprised to find that a good amount of the people in the room had barely any knowledge of the cause that the event was aiming to support. But as the perfectly dressed socialites floated through the room, sipping on champagne and casually stopping to pose for a photographer, one thing was certain – they had done this more than once or twice before.

As I maneuvered my way through the ballroom in attempt to find my place in the scene, I couldn’t help but stop and stare…over, and over, and over again.  This version of charity was worlds away from my experience making meatloaf for the hungry in my community, and that first night that I spent in that world, I couldn’t seem to wrap my head around how or why these stunning people were really trying to make a difference.  In many ways I found myself frustrated, because while I was there genuinely trying to advance a cause that I was passionate about, it was evident that most people had other things on their minds. 

When the hype from the evening finally died down and my bright red lipstick started to fade, I was simultaneously disheartened and intrigued.  In many ways, it was nothing like I expected – beautiful women and dapper men seemingly more concerned with advancing their own social agendas than advancing the cause; but at the same time, it was everything I imagined and more – tables decorated with elaborate centerpieces and fine china, women in beautiful evening gowns frosted in some of the most elegant jewels I had ever seen, and more mini macaroons than I could possibly indulge in.

While there were many things that I hadn’t yet come to understand about the charity circuit in New York, I couldn’t help but yearn to be a part of that world.  As time went by and I slowly began to become integrated into a scene that was once foreign to me, I promised myself one thing – that if I was going to be in this world, I was going to be myself in this world.  As I learned more about the spectrum of charity events that take place each year, I realized that my initial outlook was somewhat cynical; I came to see that while certain people at these events may simultaneously be promoting their own agendas in one way or another, they are also contributing to the cause in their own way.  Not only are they financially pushing money into the hands of the people running organizations who have the foundation to implement change, but by simply attending and spreading the word about the organization, they are extending the message which results in more people supporting the cause.

Being vastly younger than the majority of people regularly attending these events, I realized that while it would be unfeasible for me to make the same level of financial impact, that I could make a difference in my own way – through volunteering, and donating my time to the causes that I am most passionate about.  Though the charity world initially seemed distant and unattainable, with innovation and creativity, there is always a way to design a pathway to the type of world that you want to live in. 

After sitting down and sifting through the New York Social Diary’s calendar of events, I took some time to think about the various causes that I was genuinely interested in advancing and the types of organizations where I felt I could make the most impact.  After really trying to hone in on my interests and my passions, I reached out to various event coordinators – which ranged from representatives of the organizations themselves, to PR companies that were in charge of running the larger events.  After meeting with various executive directors from different non-profits and assisting in running some of the larger events, I have really come to see that for so many reasons, charity events are a really good thing.

Beyond the impact that you are directly making through helping to donate your time or money to organizations that you are passionate about, attending different charity galas can give you a certain amount of access to people and experiences that might have otherwise been unattainable. Not only has my time volunteering for a variety of charities and political organizations granted me exposure to some of the most decadent venues in this amazing city, but it has also given me the opportunity to connect with other people who are equally passionate about advancing some of the causes that I care about. Though charity galas inevitably come with their fair share of cocktail party banter and social niceties, some of the conversations that I have had during the five course dinners at these events have been some of the most interesting discussions of my life. 

From meeting some of the people who are now my best friends, to people who are inspiring mentors and others who have introduced me to a new way of thinking, I have come to realize the various benefits of being a part of the world that I was once too afraid to embrace.  I used to think that if I immersed myself in a world of money, status, and decadence, that I would somehow be corrupted and be seduced by something that might make me less pure in many ways.  But now when I walk into a charity gala, I don’t see a simple canvas made up of people painted in black and white; I see the potential to make an impact, the opportunity to meet new friends, try new foods, become exposed to new ideas, and to ultimately continue to be the best person that I know how to be.  So while stepping into a decadent ballroom may initially appear to be an intimidating way to spend your evening, through challenging yourself to do so, not only are you making a difference in your own way, but your are also granting yourself access to a world that you might not have otherwise been exposed to.  

Nonlinear Network Building

When I walk into a ballroom full of dolled-up women and men in suits, the first thing that I do is take a mental snapshot of the room. Within the first few minutes, I can usually spot the handful of walking commodities that the regular partygoers are dying to get their hands on. But rather than following the social norms and flocking to the barbie dolls that consistently turn heads in the crowd, I subtly seek out the people in the room who are in the lowest demand according to the NYSD photographers – the ones standing by themselves in a corner, or those surrounded by a sea of people who can’t seem to find their way to the inner circle.

Underneath all of the makeup and seemingly proper decorum, the people who come off as the life of the party are ironically often the ones with the least interesting stories to tell. So why get in line behind the fifty other social-climbing wannabees, when you have a room full of interesting people who are eager to share their stories if you are simply willing to listen? After spending countless evenings that began to morph into a blur of extraneous living, I stopped trying to forcibly meet the people who seemed interesting on paper, and I started trying to meet seemingly ordinary individuals who had interesting stories to tell.

The majority of people live under the assumption that they should invest their time and energy in meeting the people who have the credentials and adequate social standing to put them on the fast-track to success. But what these people don’t realize is that more often than not, the most direct pathway to success is through opening yourself up to nonlinear connections. Every person that you encounter in your day-to-day life has experienced something or knows someone that you do not. From the person that you strike up a conversation with in the corner of a crowded ballroom, to the homeless man that you usually ignore on your walk to work in the morning – there is something that you can learn from everyone, if only you give them the chance to share their story.

The first step in capitalizing on the power of forming a network through nonlinear connections is to shift your mindset. You need to let go of the perception that only people with ‘high status’ are worth your attention, and rather start consciously dedicating your time and energy to crossing paths with as many different people as possible every single day.  If you build both a personal and professional network that is composed of only the people who are most like you, you will never be as cultured, experienced, or intelligent as you could be if you had built a network where you are constantly learning from the differences of those around you.

Once you have come to believe that every person in this world can help you in some way, you need to start expanding your social network. Rather than meeting people only at the times when you think that you need them to help you get ahead, the key to capitalizing on nonlinear connections is to build an expansive network before you know exactly what you want or need to advance your personal or career goals. In the midst of working long hours, it can often be challenging to force yourself to break outside of your comfort zone and meet new people who are unlike you – but it is often the conversations with those people that can help you find it within yourself to see the world in a new light. You need to challenge yourself to give other people the time that they deserve, and once the initial connection is formed, you need to genuinely take an interest in learning from the experiences that they are willing to share with you. Beyond listening to the stories of others, you need to also start becoming comfortable with sharing your own story.  Sharing your own biggest fears or most pressing life goals with a best friend who is just like you may come naturally, but learning how to open up to those who have different life experiences might initially pose to be more challenging. However, once you learn to overcome this barrier, truly deep connections will be formed.

If you build an expansive network of all different types of people before you need it, then when the time comes that you need help achieving a specific goal that you have in mind, you have the world at your fingertips. People will remember that you invested in their stories when you didn’t expect anything in return, and they will be more than happy to help you to achieve your goals if you give them the opportunity to do so.  When trying to move closer to achieving a specific goal, you need to remember the power of nonlinear connections, as it is often the person who you least expect to help you who actually has the greatest potential to do so.

Let’s say that you are in your junior year of high school, and the only thing that matters to you right now is getting into Harvard. Throughout your application process, many mentors may encourage you to connect with individuals such as professors, alumni, administrators, donors, and other individuals who are directly associated with the University to give you a leg up on your application.  These are examples of linear connections that you would likely think to form in order to help you achieve your long-term goal of getting into Harvard. However, if you have built a network before you need it, you have many more resources at your disposal than you may realize. Maybe your lifelong soccer coach has a brother who played on the soccer team at Harvard, or maybe the construction worker building the addition onto the back of your house also built a few of the buildings on the Harvard campus, or maybe your dad’s friend’s sister works in the cafeteria at the school, and mingles with the students and faculty over pancakes in the dining hall every Saturday morning. It’s a good thing that you took the time to talk to your dad’s friend with the crazy hair at that barbecue last summer, and that you made the construction worker who is building the addition on your house a sandwich on that one hot summer day – because at the time when you least expect it, your efforts to pay it forward will pay off.  Had you taken a linear approach to network building, you may have ignored all of these individuals who now hold the potential to alter the path of your life by helping you to get into the school of your dreams. But now you know better.

Whether it be getting into the college of your dreams, getting that job you always wanted, or meeting your teenage idol, there is always someone who can help you to achieve your goals.  Since it is impossible to predict the hurdles and opportunities that life will throw at you, you need to form genuine connections with as many diverse people as you can before you know exactly what you want or need. So instead of sitting with your clique of best friends at the lunch table today, or talking to the life of the party this evening, I challenge you to talk to the person who you would typically ignore.  Give them the chance to share their story - because one day, they might just change your life.