Every Ballroom Has a Backdoor

As we put away our sun hats and begin to shake the sand out of our shoes, the turning of the leaves can only mean one thing – the beginning of New York charity season.  When I was a little girl, charity used to mean volunteering at the soup kitchen for Girl Scouts or making holiday cards for the soldiers who weren’t able to spend the holidays with their families.  But as the years went by and I traded in my Girl Scout uniform for an evening gown, the word charity took on an entirely new meaning. 

As I walked into my first big charity gala a handful of years ago, I felt like I was walking into a storybook. I had never seen anything quite so glamorous before, and I couldn’t help but compare it to the shows and movies that I had seen on TV.  It was simultaneously petrifying and mesmerizing – and while I may have aesthetically melted into the sea of people painted in black and white, I might as well have been dressed like Malibu Barbie, because I stood out like a sore thumb. While I expected the event to draw an eclectic mix of people who were all interested in supporting the cause from different walks of life, instead I found that the majority of the evening’s partygoers could not have been more similar.  And in many instances, I was surprised to find that a good amount of the people in the room had barely any knowledge of the cause that the event was aiming to support. But as the perfectly dressed socialites floated through the room, sipping on champagne and casually stopping to pose for a photographer, one thing was certain – they had done this more than once or twice before.

As I maneuvered my way through the ballroom in attempt to find my place in the scene, I couldn’t help but stop and stare…over, and over, and over again.  This version of charity was worlds away from my experience making meatloaf for the hungry in my community, and that first night that I spent in that world, I couldn’t seem to wrap my head around how or why these stunning people were really trying to make a difference.  In many ways I found myself frustrated, because while I was there genuinely trying to advance a cause that I was passionate about, it was evident that most people had other things on their minds. 

When the hype from the evening finally died down and my bright red lipstick started to fade, I was simultaneously disheartened and intrigued.  In many ways, it was nothing like I expected – beautiful women and dapper men seemingly more concerned with advancing their own social agendas than advancing the cause; but at the same time, it was everything I imagined and more – tables decorated with elaborate centerpieces and fine china, women in beautiful evening gowns frosted in some of the most elegant jewels I had ever seen, and more mini macaroons than I could possibly indulge in.

While there were many things that I hadn’t yet come to understand about the charity circuit in New York, I couldn’t help but yearn to be a part of that world.  As time went by and I slowly began to become integrated into a scene that was once foreign to me, I promised myself one thing – that if I was going to be in this world, I was going to be myself in this world.  As I learned more about the spectrum of charity events that take place each year, I realized that my initial outlook was somewhat cynical; I came to see that while certain people at these events may simultaneously be promoting their own agendas in one way or another, they are also contributing to the cause in their own way.  Not only are they financially pushing money into the hands of the people running organizations who have the foundation to implement change, but by simply attending and spreading the word about the organization, they are extending the message which results in more people supporting the cause.

Being vastly younger than the majority of people regularly attending these events, I realized that while it would be unfeasible for me to make the same level of financial impact, that I could make a difference in my own way – through volunteering, and donating my time to the causes that I am most passionate about.  Though the charity world initially seemed distant and unattainable, with innovation and creativity, there is always a way to design a pathway to the type of world that you want to live in. 

After sitting down and sifting through the New York Social Diary’s calendar of events, I took some time to think about the various causes that I was genuinely interested in advancing and the types of organizations where I felt I could make the most impact.  After really trying to hone in on my interests and my passions, I reached out to various event coordinators – which ranged from representatives of the organizations themselves, to PR companies that were in charge of running the larger events.  After meeting with various executive directors from different non-profits and assisting in running some of the larger events, I have really come to see that for so many reasons, charity events are a really good thing.

Beyond the impact that you are directly making through helping to donate your time or money to organizations that you are passionate about, attending different charity galas can give you a certain amount of access to people and experiences that might have otherwise been unattainable. Not only has my time volunteering for a variety of charities and political organizations granted me exposure to some of the most decadent venues in this amazing city, but it has also given me the opportunity to connect with other people who are equally passionate about advancing some of the causes that I care about. Though charity galas inevitably come with their fair share of cocktail party banter and social niceties, some of the conversations that I have had during the five course dinners at these events have been some of the most interesting discussions of my life. 

From meeting some of the people who are now my best friends, to people who are inspiring mentors and others who have introduced me to a new way of thinking, I have come to realize the various benefits of being a part of the world that I was once too afraid to embrace.  I used to think that if I immersed myself in a world of money, status, and decadence, that I would somehow be corrupted and be seduced by something that might make me less pure in many ways.  But now when I walk into a charity gala, I don’t see a simple canvas made up of people painted in black and white; I see the potential to make an impact, the opportunity to meet new friends, try new foods, become exposed to new ideas, and to ultimately continue to be the best person that I know how to be.  So while stepping into a decadent ballroom may initially appear to be an intimidating way to spend your evening, through challenging yourself to do so, not only are you making a difference in your own way, but your are also granting yourself access to a world that you might not have otherwise been exposed to.  

Nonlinear Network Building

When I walk into a ballroom full of dolled-up women and men in suits, the first thing that I do is take a mental snapshot of the room. Within the first few minutes, I can usually spot the handful of walking commodities that the regular partygoers are dying to get their hands on. But rather than following the social norms and flocking to the barbie dolls that consistently turn heads in the crowd, I subtly seek out the people in the room who are in the lowest demand according to the NYSD photographers – the ones standing by themselves in a corner, or those surrounded by a sea of people who can’t seem to find their way to the inner circle.

Underneath all of the makeup and seemingly proper decorum, the people who come off as the life of the party are ironically often the ones with the least interesting stories to tell. So why get in line behind the fifty other social-climbing wannabees, when you have a room full of interesting people who are eager to share their stories if you are simply willing to listen? After spending countless evenings that began to morph into a blur of extraneous living, I stopped trying to forcibly meet the people who seemed interesting on paper, and I started trying to meet seemingly ordinary individuals who had interesting stories to tell.

The majority of people live under the assumption that they should invest their time and energy in meeting the people who have the credentials and adequate social standing to put them on the fast-track to success. But what these people don’t realize is that more often than not, the most direct pathway to success is through opening yourself up to nonlinear connections. Every person that you encounter in your day-to-day life has experienced something or knows someone that you do not. From the person that you strike up a conversation with in the corner of a crowded ballroom, to the homeless man that you usually ignore on your walk to work in the morning – there is something that you can learn from everyone, if only you give them the chance to share their story.

The first step in capitalizing on the power of forming a network through nonlinear connections is to shift your mindset. You need to let go of the perception that only people with ‘high status’ are worth your attention, and rather start consciously dedicating your time and energy to crossing paths with as many different people as possible every single day.  If you build both a personal and professional network that is composed of only the people who are most like you, you will never be as cultured, experienced, or intelligent as you could be if you had built a network where you are constantly learning from the differences of those around you.

Once you have come to believe that every person in this world can help you in some way, you need to start expanding your social network. Rather than meeting people only at the times when you think that you need them to help you get ahead, the key to capitalizing on nonlinear connections is to build an expansive network before you know exactly what you want or need to advance your personal or career goals. In the midst of working long hours, it can often be challenging to force yourself to break outside of your comfort zone and meet new people who are unlike you – but it is often the conversations with those people that can help you find it within yourself to see the world in a new light. You need to challenge yourself to give other people the time that they deserve, and once the initial connection is formed, you need to genuinely take an interest in learning from the experiences that they are willing to share with you. Beyond listening to the stories of others, you need to also start becoming comfortable with sharing your own story.  Sharing your own biggest fears or most pressing life goals with a best friend who is just like you may come naturally, but learning how to open up to those who have different life experiences might initially pose to be more challenging. However, once you learn to overcome this barrier, truly deep connections will be formed.

If you build an expansive network of all different types of people before you need it, then when the time comes that you need help achieving a specific goal that you have in mind, you have the world at your fingertips. People will remember that you invested in their stories when you didn’t expect anything in return, and they will be more than happy to help you to achieve your goals if you give them the opportunity to do so.  When trying to move closer to achieving a specific goal, you need to remember the power of nonlinear connections, as it is often the person who you least expect to help you who actually has the greatest potential to do so.

Let’s say that you are in your junior year of high school, and the only thing that matters to you right now is getting into Harvard. Throughout your application process, many mentors may encourage you to connect with individuals such as professors, alumni, administrators, donors, and other individuals who are directly associated with the University to give you a leg up on your application.  These are examples of linear connections that you would likely think to form in order to help you achieve your long-term goal of getting into Harvard. However, if you have built a network before you need it, you have many more resources at your disposal than you may realize. Maybe your lifelong soccer coach has a brother who played on the soccer team at Harvard, or maybe the construction worker building the addition onto the back of your house also built a few of the buildings on the Harvard campus, or maybe your dad’s friend’s sister works in the cafeteria at the school, and mingles with the students and faculty over pancakes in the dining hall every Saturday morning. It’s a good thing that you took the time to talk to your dad’s friend with the crazy hair at that barbecue last summer, and that you made the construction worker who is building the addition on your house a sandwich on that one hot summer day – because at the time when you least expect it, your efforts to pay it forward will pay off.  Had you taken a linear approach to network building, you may have ignored all of these individuals who now hold the potential to alter the path of your life by helping you to get into the school of your dreams. But now you know better.

Whether it be getting into the college of your dreams, getting that job you always wanted, or meeting your teenage idol, there is always someone who can help you to achieve your goals.  Since it is impossible to predict the hurdles and opportunities that life will throw at you, you need to form genuine connections with as many diverse people as you can before you know exactly what you want or need. So instead of sitting with your clique of best friends at the lunch table today, or talking to the life of the party this evening, I challenge you to talk to the person who you would typically ignore.  Give them the chance to share their story - because one day, they might just change your life.